Well, I don't know where to start & I don't feel I can do God justice, but I am posting to say that our family has finally "listened" to God's voice & are halting our adoption from Ethiopia.
You know I do have some fear as to "what will people think" I mean it is quite humbling to back out of an adoption. But it says in 1 John 4:18 "perfect love casts out fear" I have finally came to the realization that God loves me, and it's not based on how much I "do" for Him.
I am a "Martha". I have always been. I used to "do" things because I felt I could make up for all the things I wasn't "doing" right. But in these last several years of my Christian walk with the Lord I have felt that I "do" because I love "doing". I love keeping busy and for the most part I do it out of love for the Lord, at least that is what I felt was my motive. However, I do know that in some ways pride or what others may think of me can definitely get in my way to "hear" God's voice & be obedient ONLY to Him. I guess that is why my last post of "EXCUSES" was so fitting to me. I tend to have trouble understanding those that wouldn't just WANT to "do" or go for things that sound like a great idea for God's kingdom. The problem is finding the "balance" There are us "Martha's" or "doers" that can let too much get a hold on us & go ahead of the Lord without waiting or pondering what He is telling us "to do" or IF He's even telling us anything. However, there are others of us,that THINK they are pondering or waiting on the Lord, but never take an "action step" to "see" if God is possibly calling them to do something. Both to me can get out of balance.
I guess I got off balance. I don't regret taking some "action steps" toward this adoption. If I had never dared to take some last time, we would not have our little Blaise from China or our little Anna. I had other plans(thinking adopting a healthy baby girl from Guatemala) but waited & pondered & LISTENED to God's voice then I obeyed. The results were "anointed" & beautiful & blessings! It says in Jeremiah 7:23 "Listen to my voice. Then I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways that I command you, that your life may prosper" Yep............ After I took some "action steps" I didn't wait & ponder, not at all. I thought about adoption in like the beginning of Dec. & by my husband's birthday Dec. 18th, we had made a major down payment & it was FULL steam ahead.
Looking back in my journal now, there are several postings that say "Lord please show me a SIGN that I am on the right path..............but nothing. I wasn't hearing His voice, I was frustrated. During these past several months, my anxiety has been terrible. It seemed that adding the adoption thing into my life made things so much more stressful on me. I have been sick with allergy/sinus/tummy issues now for over a year, and in a way, I think I thought, well, God will take care of this or make it go away so I could adopt.........again.......nothing (or at least no big change that has given me a "sign" that I am well enough or have enough energy for an adoption and adding another child into our family. My health has been SLOWLY getting better as I have been working on myself physically & emotionally & spiritually, but it is not near where I need it to be to continue to do my best at raising my 5 children & adding another child/baby.
A couple of months ago, I think I truly started to "surrender" & started to "ponder" & "wait upon the Lord". It was during THIS time that the Lord began speaking & I listening to His voice.
It was Thurs. July 15, when I took some extra quiet time & was reading scripture. I opened (at random) my devotional "The Word Among Us" & it was on the verse Luke 10:38-42. The story of Mary & Martha. Boy could I relate to this scripture. It's about Martha complaining that her sister Mary isn't helping her to "serve" Jesus, but rather is just sitting at His feet. Jesus says "Martha, Martha, you are anxious & worried about many things. There is need of only ONE thing. Mary has chosen the BETTER PART and it will not be taken from her" When I read this it was like God was saying to me "Jackie, Jackie..............." The meditation went on to explain that Jesus didn't rebuke Martha for being a servant. But rather He wanted her to see that she had ALLOWED anxiety and stress to control her more than simplicity and love!
That was exactly what was happening to me during our adoption process. I was constantly getting upset about "the things" that were not getting done & everything was stressing me out because I didn't have the energy to get things done. Every time I'd do adoption reading or learning about Ethiopia it would just stress me out because it was just another "to do" I felt I HAD to do, like Martha. The reading said "Jesus wants to invite us to sit with Him and RECEIVE HIS abundant LOVE. At the same time He wants to give us ENERGY for the work He's CALLED us to do."
OMG, Jesus WAS SPEAKING! And, I heard His voice! And it was so FREEING!!!!!!!!! I wasn't CALLED to adopt. Adoption is a beautiful calling. I am so thankful & amazed that I was called to do it once. And maybe, just maybe I'll be called again. But what I learned from this last time, was that I don't EVER want to go "ahead" of Jesus again. It is a miserable, frustrating place to be.
I won't ever stop taking action steps to discern if it is the path God is calling me to take, but after I do proceed or take just one step.............I do hope & pray that I will wait...........ponder......and pray! And do what Jeremiah 7:23 says
"Listen to my voice, THEN I will be your God & you will be my people, Walk in ALL the ways I command you so that your life may prosper"
Jesus, I am sorry that I didn't wait & ponder & LISTEN to your voice. Thank you for your love & mercy. I thank you for all of your unfailing love. Help me to better listen to your voice & walk in only and every way YOU command me & my family to go!
I trust in YOU!
Jackie Bitz & family
Happy New Year 2013!!!
4 months ago